My Furred Costume
by AngelInName
Summary: MWPP: You've heard the story of the infamous Lily and James Potter. But what about the werewolf, the shadow of the group? Seems like murder and his own personal enemy is trying to corrupt him. And... love? His Diary. RnR
1. Shades of grey

**My furred Costume**

Summary: This is the story of the infamous Marauder, Remus Lupin. His struggles with love, being a werewolf, friendships and death. This is his diary, his life.

Rating: PG-13 most of the time, may be R in later chapters, not quite decided.

Disclaimer: I do not own Remus or the other characters known in this story. Katelyn is mine, some others will be.

* * *

Dear Diary (SEPTEMBER 1st),

Today is my first day back at school, now I am sitting in a compartment, utterly alone. But it always seems that the quiet Marauder was alone, a shade in the colourful rays that is life. My life seems to be a darker one, black and white, yet everyone else had some colour.

"Hey Prongs, look, there's Moony!" I hear my good friend Sirius Black say. It did not surprise me one bit that he had a swarm of good-looking girls following him around, like his shadow. Him, my good friend James and Peter- the little fumbling idiot, entered my compartment, shutting the door in the faces of those overbearing girls.

I forced my haggard face to bare a slight grin though I felt a flood of fatigue that all werewolves feel. Yes diary, my 7th diary for year 7, I am a werewolf. A creature not quite human yet not quite animal.

Sirius just wrapped an arm around my shoulder, I managed to hide what I was writing from him for a secound but he did not seem that clued to what I was doing. He must've been accustomed to my writing habits; since first year had I brought a diary around with me, never to part for fear of a Slytherin reading it.

"My good mate Moony, it was great to find you, you're like a cockroach, always-"Sirius started to speak, before I cut him off.

"-A nuisance? Sirius, I'm more like a butterfly." I commented, hearing the chuckles from both my friend James and Sirius. What was it that made them laugh? Gosh, I must stop writing while I speak, my writing is terrible!

"A butterfly? That was no better than what Sirius said!" James laughed, he then seemed to be having a very intriguing conversation- or argument for their voices seemed to be heated- because they forgot about me.

The two of them are a great example of what I mean by a 'colourful person'. James is the colour of blue, one minute he will be calm, the next a lighter blue, which resembles happiness, sometimes a deep blue, giving off mystery and self-hate. Sirius is a yellow, he never really seems unhappy and since I know him intimately, he is never unhappy, always bubbly like the radiant sun.

My gosh, I must stop labelling people by colour, it is started to shock even me! If anyone ever read my diary they'd just... laugh at me, but in this journal I can say whatever I want and the only one to patronise me is myself.

After getting quite bored of writing my 'colours' I took a look out of the compartment window, seeing a rich and radiant shimmer of deep red, it could only belong to the captivating Miss Evans. She was a beautiful girl; we are quite good friends and seemed to converse much about schoolwork and subjects. Once upon a time I had deep feelings for her, almost ones of love, but then I would look at James and see the look he gives her. Even if they fight, I know that they are meant to be. He'd protect her; I could kill her when I am in my other attire. So I eventually let the feelings fade into just respect, nothing more. Her colour was red for her passion and temper- just like her flaming hair.

What is that smell? Ah, Dammit, I have to change compartment now! Write later diary!

Ok, I'm back, let me explain what my previous comment was about (well, explain to myself as an elder man). You see, those 'lovely' pairing of absolute idiots, were having such a vivid argument about which is better- stink bombs (muggle) or dung bombs. So what did they do? Set both off to see what was worst! The outcome, a fusion of stink consuming the air, apparently dung bombs (James) won, even if I couldn't tell one foul stench from the other. My, my, I will have that smell of eggs in my nose for days!

Now we are sitting in a compartment with none other than Lily Evans! Her and James are having a good go at mentally killing each other; the noise is so thunderous that my ears are beginning to vibrate! They both are quite boisterous in their voices and it sucks, I really, really need to leave.

Ah, only seconds later and here comes the trolley lady! And lucky both Lily and James had to depart for they have 'Head Of School' duties together. Well, if these new commitments won't break them it'll certainly make them!

So now it's just Sirius, Peter and... Kate. If I look up at my previous diary entries, I would've mentioned her no more than once but today I guess I can't stop staring at her. She had certainly changed a bit over the summer. Her outer looks were as magnificent as before but there seemed to be something different, something more puzzling than last time. Her face seemed to plastered in a never-ending frown. Her eyes seemed swollen and it was like she was hiding something deep.

Katelyn was the best friend of Lily Evans; she was also quite pretty but in her own unique way. Katelyn and I never really talked or exchanged words much. We both were connected by house and by a friend, nothing else. Her blue eyes that once sparkled so brightly now seemed dulling lightly.

"What are you doing Romeo?" Katelyn asks, I write this with a blush for she must've seen me staring at her for a secound. Stupid, stupid, stupid! Her voice seemed so soft, a fake cheery sound put on. Ah, now she's looking for an answer... I guess I should give her one.

"Just writing in my journal." I replied while still scribbling, honestly I think I am probably the quickest writer in the school!

Our conversation kind of died down after that- we both didn't truly want to speak. She seemed lost in her own tormented life; I could see the signs with a closer look. Her lips were swollen, I don't know if it was from an excess amount of kissing or from someone's fist or harsh touch. Her cheeks were extremely pale from either grief or make up and the soft noises of her breath were so uneven that it seemed she'd cry any moment.

Ah, finally! We have now officially arrived at Hogwarts and it is such a relief! I can feel a grin forming on my face; finally I am home. The castle stood magnificently up on its hill making me look like a 'cockroach' or a 'butterfly'. The lights were shining through the windows dug out of the sturdy wood.

So I must stop writing, it is rude to write at the feast or during the talks. I will try and write more maybe tonight or tomorrow, maybe in some classes. I am such a rebel... that's why I am a marauder.

**Remus' Quote Of The Day (entry): "never judge a book by its cover, at least read the blurb before you do so."**

I'm outies.

_Remus Lupin._

(RnR)


	2. Forbidden Kiss

Dear Diary (1st of September)

Hullo again! It's now night, I can hear Sirius snoring, which is highly aggravating. And Peter's constant snorting and sleep talking isn't helping either! He must be having a vaguely strange dream, maybe of Voldermort, he's saying over and over again, "don't hurt me! Please don't!" But I'm use to this; it feels great being back with my friends. I missed their jokes, their amusing nature but most of all I missed having humane company that no other person would ever give me. These guys are my friends; I hope we stay like that till we're old and grey with Grandchildren.

If I take a side look I can see the moonlight hitting on the silky water. I can almost picture the Squid, dancing with a couple of foreign animals. The moon is almost at it's full and in a few nights I will once again turn into my feral exterior. But then, I don't hate becoming a werewolf as much as I previously did. My three animangus friends will always be there for help. And they love it! They enjoy the feeling of roaming around with me immensely! Thank Merlin for my miraculous friends.

Well, there goes Sirius again, he's snoring louder now, though I can hear them being muffled. I think James is trying to kill him, I wish I could help but I don't want to intrude. My scribbling on the paper is soundless; I have mastered the art of writing without disturbance. They probably think I am asleep now.

"Sirius, wake up!" Comes James' hushed voice. With my wolfish senses I can hear the ceasing of snores and the rustling of Sirius' bed sheets.

"What?" Sirius says. His voice seeps with much annoyance, if I could see them both then I'd expect to see a grinning James and a deadly looking Padfoot.

"Full moon in two night," Ah! How did I know that James would most probably want to plan the next full moon adventure! He cannot help himself! His bravery, controlling nature always seems to shine through. Also his smirking face will always twinkle with a hint of nuisance.

"Yeah, hey, what do you think is with Moony? He was very quiet on the train!" Well, this conversation is turning on the interesting side! Truly, I have always wondered what people natter about me when I am not listening.

"Yeah, he was awfully quiet." James stated, though I wonder if they are truly thinking. I am usually quiet- period.

"She was looking at that girl, what's her name?" Sirius raised an eyebrow, "do you think he has a crush on her?"

The conversation is too terrible to continue writing. Plus extremely embarrassing. I do not like Katelyn in any way other than curiosity. She is quiet, and seems distressed and I know how it feels to be distressed constantly. I hate it; my moods are as solid as air particles. I hate werewolf genes, and my father doesn't exactly enjoy having a werewolf in the family. Why, if it weren't for my mum, he'd have disowned me by now.

Wait, I can hear something. It's a shrill piercing scream; I can hear it multiplied by my heightened senses. I doubt that Sirius and James heard it, they are still talking, now about pranks. Be back in a bit, diary, I have got to find out who screamed. Curiosity may have killed the cat, but the werewolf fed off it...

... Ok, I'm back. It was Katelyn (pronounce Kate-eh-Lyn if I ever forget), apparently she was screaming simular things to what Wormtail was muttering. "Don't hurt me!" and "Please, leave me alone!" Also "I hate you!" was thrown around. After that she screamed.

Her body was covered in cold sweat when I arrived, Lily and another nameless girl were standing over her, not exactly sure of what action they could do. I managed to get up the stairs using a trick James learnt about (Marauder's Map, always has been my savoir). So that left me, Remus, dealing with one nasty looking girl. She had no make up on, her face displayed some dissolving bruises... it sucked, I felt so bad for her. My stomach turned, my lips quivered, I could feel my saliva drying within my throat. I had learnt about some health stuff when I was at home. I knew that poor Katelyn could be suffering from some kind of attack and waking her could be deadly.

So I cautiously placed my hand on her sweating shoulder (a Singlet and shorts was her attire) and she looked up at me with fatigued and sad eyes. Ok, I then acted like a chicken not a wolf. I saw she was ok and left the room, going back to the boy's dorm. I almost laughed at my previous thoughts, she was not sick, just having an extremely vivid nightmare! But laughter deserted me and it still does, I worry about her, I worry about everyone.

Oh, and I have some homework due tomorrow better do it now before

Z z Z z Z Z z Z z Z z Z Z z Z z Z z Z Z z Z z Z z Z Z z

(the previous statement is written the morning AFTER the entry was made)

Ok, so I fell asleep, my homework is still not done, I am panicking, I have a potions assignment due after lunch and I haven't yet completed it. Right now I am eating my breakfast and sipping pumpkin juice with a look of nerves plastered on my face. I decided to skip lunch all together and just concentrate on my work.

"Hey Moony, where did you go last night?" Sirius asked, raising one of his black eyebrows whilst rudely displaying a mountain of toast rolling around his mouth.

"I just went down stairs to check something." My excuse works, he's so naïve. He shrugs and starts talking to Prongs They laugh and then I see James' vision look over to Lily who's walking over towards me...

"Hey Remus, can I speak to you, in private, for a minute?" Lily says, I feel saddened by her weary vision. Out the corner of my grey eyes I can see James' face, glaring at me. Behind the mass of anger and jealousy I can see wonder. He wonders why I can talk to Lily as friends every day. He wonders why she hates him.

I say a yes.

A few minutes later I am back at the table with James asking me questions about what we said. In brief, I just lied. Lied through my tongue. He believed me. I feel guilty, I feel sick. Here is why...

Lily and I walked out of the hall and at the front of the school. It was a nice day, the breeze tingled across my face and her vibrant red hair flew in the gentle wind. I smiled at the sight; the sun was framing around her slim figure, her features were brilliant with the added touch of an angel.

"Thanks for what you did last night, I don't know what's wrong with Kate."

I nodded in reply, "probably just a bad dream." I said, my soft and airy voice light with her figure overpowering me. I felt weak, but James likes her, and deep down I know she likes James.

Lily sighed, she walked over towards the steps and sits down on one, "she's very grateful, blushing a lot at the mention of your name."

Why would she blush at my name? Hopefully future entries may quench my puzzlement. Is it because she's embarrassed?

"I think she likes you," Lily continued, I sat down besides her and watched her emerald eyes look out at the settling sight. "But Remus... I like you." She says, looking at me.

This is when I panicked. She can't like me! I can't like her! I gulped at the time, thinking my ears were playing tricks on me.

"I know I shouldn't like who my friend likes, but I can't help it!" Lily smiled weakly, "you're so mysterious, so sweet and a model gentleman."

By this time I knew my ears were perfectly fine and that Lily did have a crush on me. That's all it is, a crush, an infatuation. She'll move on when she realises James is not a conceited git.

"No Lily," I gently held her hand, massaging it in a friendly manner, now I wish I didn't. "You can't like me, and don't say you do. I'm not good enough."

"But Remus," she moans. By now I felt panicky.

"Find someone better for you," I said, letting go of her soft hand. I stood up and walked toward the door. Why did she have to stop me?

Well, Lily stood up, stopped me and kissed me. Her lips grazed against mine for a pure few seconds of bliss. With this newly loved intoxication I placed my hand to her cheek, feeling the hormones in me drive wild.

Then I heard her mutter something, it could've been my guilty conscious or just my mind playing tricks on me but I could perceive the murmur of "James".

That's when I pulled away and walked back into the main hall. My breakfast is finished and my entry is too. I can't write anymore, I'm too confused for any words to form! Goodbye diary, will tell you more later when I know my thoughts.

**Remus' quote of the entry: "A werewolf is merely a wizard able to vent his anger in non controlling ways."**

From my messed up mind,

Remus J. Lupin.

(RnR and this will not be a R/L fic!)


	3. Confession

Dear Diary (September 2nd),

Well, it's nighttime again and I feel like _shit. _Sorry to put it in such a blunt way but honestly, no other words would fit that statement better! Ok, in brief I will tell you why; Lily has been eyeing me ALL day, James has noticed this and given me the cold shoulder, Sirius has been asking me what is going on, Katelyn is ignoring me and Peter... well, Peter is just being Peter!

Here's my day in the longer version, the one that clears my head a bit more:

After the err, occurrence with Ms. Evans I was perspiring more than Snape had grease in his hair, which is hard to beat. First up was Muggle studies (I am intrigued with muggles, they are quite peculiar) and luckily the only person that I am friends with is a 7th year Ravenclaw named Jeremy. He and I discussed casually for quite a while, mainly debating about what a record did. It definitely is recording voices and playing them back! Not listening to some silly excuse for what muggles colourfully call music!

That was probably the highlight of my day; arguing and receiving an assignment on the food they call 'jelly' (honestly, muggles have no taste buds! I'd rather a wiggling wizard conserve any day!). Then came the horror class. Transfiguration. Now, I am quite the brilliant mind at it, don't get me wrong, but it just so happens that Lily is my transfiguration partner!

I was trying my hardest to concentrate on changing a bird into a witch's hat, but all that filled my brain was her eyes. I could see them, penetrating into my vision at the corner of my eyes. She looked sorry, most likely to her 'slip up' of my good friend's name. I could handle her penetrating stare, but not the jaundiced look on James' face while he kept messing up his bird, turning it into a feathery fedora. Throughout the lesson I had Lily watching me and James glaring deeply towards my haggard face. James was paying so little attention to his own work that he accidentally missed the bird all together, turning Sirius into a very disfigured witches hat. Sirius did not look happy, well, I guess if he actually was still human he'd have look very livid. Luckily the professor changed him back.

That's when James snapped, at the time I was mortified. Was my best friend going to turn _me_ into a hat? James can be mental when he wants to be. I was very nervous! I think even Lily noticed this, she looked at her own bird and seemed to be concentrating at changing its form. James waltzed up to me, looked at my almost perfect (except for the few feathers) hat, then at my face with an evil glare and then out the classroom. I blinked a couple of times, curious to why he left. Now I wish I had left my curiosity unquenched.

Thinking like a true friend, I had deserted my own practical work and rushed after him, sprinting with what little strength I held down the isolated corridor until James and I were at level. He stopped, I stopped. He turned to me, I looked at him despite the fact that my animal instincts advised me to get the hell away from him.

"What the hell have you done to Lily?" James said, well, he said something like that. I can't quite remember what he said exactly

"Nothing!" I pleaded, I can still feel the nerves swarming through my stomach, still hear the echoes of my pitiful response.

"Then why is she so bloody smitten with you?" He was fuming by this time, if I knew that the whole transfig class could hear us then I would've told him to keep his voice down, but, alas, I was too worried with patching things up with my best friend.

"Prongs, I didn't say or do anything!" I said, still pleading although lying once more. I did in actual fact kiss her back, but at the time I thought better of telling him.

I remember his next lot of words clearly, they still reverberate through my mind, and the tone he said it in was like whiplash, I felt sick, I felt like what little breakfast I ate would come up in a mixture of spew.

"Only my friends can call me Prongs." He had said, that was what stung me badly. Was he chucking me out of the Marauders, over some observation he had made? I don't really remember the next bit of our conversation, only that he made me feel so guilty, this is how it ended...

"What did you two do?" He roared, "when she took you outside, what the hell happened?"

I shook my head quickly; he had somehow in our talking driven me into a wall, "nothing, we just talked and she thanked me about Katelyn and-"

"-And what, Remus, tell me!" James' brown eyes had never seemed as hollow as they did then. I remember feeling so petrified, was I going to loose a friend over a girl? I know, this is his fantasy girl, but wasn't I anything to him? Later Sirius told me that James was just confused, I didn't believe him.

"And... she kissed me." Oh how I now wish that I could of lied once more! Those three words crumbled out of my drying throat. I could see James' expression fade from anger and delve into an emotion so depressing, so saddening that it is shocking to even become faced with it. Hurt.

He shook his head and walked away. I moaned, and walked in the opposite direction back into the classroom where the whole student body was staring at me. That's when I realised that the door was open and the hallway boomed any sound across great distance. Lily was gaping, so was Sirius, Peter was oblivious to everything and was trying to chuck his half bird half hat into the bin without anyone noticing. I think he succeeded because everyone was too busy looking at me.

I left the class. I grabbed my books and left the class, heading towards the lake. And that's where I stayed. The brief morning tea passed, I was thinking about writing but if I did I guess I'd make no sense, that's why I waited till now. Well, back to the past, I was sitting on my lonesome for morning tea, then I skipped the next two classes (double astronomy with James... would not be good) and then by the time lunchtime came I decided to rejoin society as a scandalised wizard.

At lunchtime I saw the three marauders sitting at the Gryffindor table. Sirius motioned me to join them but I declined. Fighting with the quick-tempered Potter was not on my list-to-do's, and it still isn't. Becoming his friend again certainly is! Instead I sat on the only seat available, next to Katelyn. I said a droopy 'hello' and she smiled and blushed, standing up and walking over towards the Hufflepuff house. Everyone is against me! Honestly, I think I should take a survey of how many people in the school still like Remus Lupin. I don't say much! How on earth do I get so many people giving me the cold shoulder? James, Katelyn and now I bet Lily is. She saw a seat next to me and decided to just swarm passed me and sit with Kate. And I also noticed that Katelyn seemed to be sitting rather close to a 7th year boy. Now I hope the feeling I have is not jealousy because like I said before, Kate and I are just friends!

Then Padfoot sat next to me, he kept asking and asking me questions. It was seriously getting on my nerves! "Why are you and Prongs not talking?" "What happened between you and Lily?" "Why is _Lily_ avoiding you?" "Should _I_ start avoiding you?"

Too many questions were asked, I can't remember them all. Then class approached and I remembered that I had my potions assignment due! I was completely edgy, trying to do as much as I could while walking to class and before the teacher came in. In the end I thanked Merlin that I had a fast hand, I managed to write 500 words but didn't include too much information.

Potions was bad. I couldn't concentrate at all for the reason that everything kept teeming around my head. I still felt sick, that feeling you get when you know that everything is in a huge mess and you don't know how to fix it. The Slytherin's didn't help; they were the same, sneering at me, trying to sabotage my attempts at a potion. My first ever diary entry for year 7 shows me explaining everyone by colours. Well, all of Slytherin are red or green; green for jealous and cunning, black for dark and evil. They always enjoy giving people a vivid outlook of hell. Some of them _will_ be hell, just like that dark Wizard who's climbing the ranks in evil.

And now I am in my four-poster bed, writing down how horrible my day was. The other Marauders are now currently sleeping. I can hear Peter sleep talking (now about fuzzy bunnies eating him) and Sirius is snoring louder than ever. James is twisting and turning in his bed, I can hear the thin sheets crunching as he turns. And what makes me even more miserable is that tomorrow is the full moon.

It seems like I'll have a very bad trip. James won't want to come, there will be no stag ushering a werewolf through the forest. Sirius may decide that he wants to comfort James; they are so close that he may discover how ignorant his friend is. And yes, I think I am an idiot, a bad friend, horrible, but I don't need others to rub it in. All I will have is a rat following me, but I don't exactly think that a minuscule animal will be much help in keeping a werewolf at ease.

That's it for me, I'm way too sad to write anything more. May write tomorrow, who knows?

**Remus' quote of the entry: "Good wizards can hunt and capture a werewolf in minutes. Great wizards can understand and befriend him." – Arthur Magicock 'Werewolf's; human or beast?'**

Night diary without a soul

_Remus Lupin._


	4. The touch of sorrow

Dear Diary (September 4th),

I write this while I reside in the Hospital Wing, unfortunately my head feels as if it could crumble with any misspell of a word I make. If you had not noticed by the date, this entry is two days after my last one. And my, has quite a bit happened in those two days!

Having the sharpest memory for details in the class (I do not boast, Professor Dumbledore had told me this himself), it hopefully won't be difficult to write the past tidings down. Although diary I do warn you, my memory definitely is a tad sketchy.

First thing I did when I awoke that morning was try and fix things up with James; his friendship was loyal and honest, it would be immensely difficult to him another wizard friend with such rare qualities. Unfortunately, things did not go according to plan. I apologized in quite depth, but speech was never one of my assets.

"What, Lupin, a bit tongue tied? Did you stuff up your rehearsals?" James had sneered something like this. I sighed, taking a large gulp to try and clear up my stutter. What James said made little sense anyways, trying to reply in a civilized yet defensive way seemed quite difficult.

"I'm sorry, James, you know I've never been one for wise speeches." I grinned slightly, hoping the petty joke would put an end to the quarrel. James had always been the good public speaker; he could make even the head of Slytherin feel sorry for him. This is why many people often though he deserved to be in the cunning house. James wasn't seen as a kind and self-sacrificing wizard to many.

I remember feeling like one of the Ghost's had roughly flown through the centre of my stomach. James had reply with an angry taunting, "it seems like respecting your friends isn't one of your traits either."

I did not mean to snap back, I rarely had lost my temper, even the rudest Slytherin could curse the foulest accusations and I wouldn't bite back. It was one of the qualities I had with being a secret; my diary was the only one who witnessed the rude thoughts that did swarm through my brain. Unfortunately, James had pressed a button, and with a wolfish growl I said:

"It's not my fault Lily likes me more than you."

He backed away like a werewolf knowing he had lost the battle, but his eyes were piercing so fiercely I knew I had deeply hurt him. He loves Lily; oh yes, both then and now that fact is ever-so true. I hurt him at his pride, and at his heart. A simple statement seemed to be the harshest thing he ever had heard. Turning his back to me, I heard James yell out a retort, something about my journey being alone tonight.

The whole day I avoided everyone who breathed. My teachers heard not an utter from me. I did not raise my hand once, and they seemed to notice an invisible mark on my forehead "do not bother me". I perfected my Muggle studies test, yet unfortunately my potions prac didn't turn out exactly how the book stated. Once lunch time came, I took a seat at the far side of the Gryffindor table, not bothering to see if James had made his way to the table too.

The next thing I knew Sirius had took position next to me. He cracked a few jokes, which did cheer me up slightly. The jokes in themselves were lame, yet his kindness and friendliness warmed my soul. Sirius may have seemed like a jerk to many, but to me he was a good friend, I really cared for him. Even if we were quite opposite, Sirius and I shared a bond, he sometimes made me go off the rail a bit.

"So, about tonight…" Sirius had eventually said. I could tell he was in a sticky situation. He was torn between me and James. I could tell he felt very confused, and, knowing that if James got angry, Sirius would be very upset.

"Look Sirius," I tried to say this with a smile, "I've spent many full moons alone, I can handle it. You just look after James, try and make him in a good mood for me, ok? Padfoot, it's fine." I noticed his unsure look, but he became bubbly once more and said a goodbye, deciding to sit with a 6th year Ravenclaw (whom he seemed to be getting very close to).

I almost kicked myself for telling him this. In retrospect, it seemed like a good idea. Everyone was happy, everyone except me. At this I had lost my appetite, I had retrieved a diary from my room and decided to take a seat by the lake. No, it was not this diary, for if it was I would have another entry, it was my poetry book. Now, if Sirius or James is reading this now (I don't put it past either of you) do not laugh. Poetry is beautiful and mysterious. Unfortunately, I am not too good at putting my feelings down. This is what this journal is for. I am quite talented, however, at writing about the environment.

I was halfway through writing about the mystery of what laid after the lake, (metaphorically, of course) when another figure peered above me. It didn't take me long to register who is was, and unlike usual, I did not hide away my half finished poetry. Instead I let her eyes trail across the words I wrote. Lily Evans scent was so sweet and so strong. A bit like her. Lily Lupin didn't really sound good; Lily Potter however, had a nice ring to it. I sigh now, whilst I write this in the hospital room. It's ironic how clear a memory can be.

"You write beautifully." Lily had said. She took a seat next to me, perplexed by the beautiful blue water, and the wind gently rushing against her pale skin.

"It makes up for my lack of… well, everything else." I grinned at her, it was a forced grin, I still remembered the argument I had with James earlier.

We sat and talked for quite a bit. She enquired into the James situation, I merely told her that the friendship was temporally broken. It hurt me to hear that she was confused, that she hated seeing James giving her disappointed glares. Unfortunately I felt jealous, yet I also felt happy. Happy for one of my best friends that had given me so much, Lily had started to realize her feelings for the devilish Potter.

"Remus, I'm worried about you. Ever since," she paused, it seemed like she felt the kiss was unspeakable, "it happened, you've been so distant towards everyone. And today, you've been looking quite pale. I'm worried about you. I really, truly am."

Lily always held a part of my heart, although she doesn't realize it. Her words were spoken with such soft and gentle tones that I could feel the skin on my arms vibrate with giggles.

"Lily Evans you are the most amazing witch that I have ever known, with all honesty. Thank you for your concern, however I'm fine." Lily must have noticed the distant look on my face as I said this, for she too stared into the blue ocean. I felt her hand creep up upon my own rough one. She gasped, and for a few minutes we sat together in silence, her eyes downcast, playing with my fingers and caressing hers up and down my arm. It was strangely an amazing feeling, something I hadn't felt in quite some time. Usually my time spent with Lily seemed to be coated with guilt, yet this time I merely felt a sense of friendship. We were not like lovers, and not friends. We were this middle, where we had a connection, one that did not stretch to true love and sex.

And then the hours past, the classes were spent in a more joyous tone. Even James seemed to have a lighter gaze towards me upon his face. By the time night came, however, I knew the journey would still be alone. I snuck out of the castle the way Dumbledore had told me to many times, my feet barely making a sound. I could feel the pains of my bones, the transformation was near starting. I zoomed into the shrieking shack via the Womping Willow.

Transforming into a Werewolf is incredibly painful. I once read a book about a werewolf recalling how he felt, and he described it to a tea. Your bones slowly break together in one painful moment. And the do not meant, but dislocate, they grow (and if any witch or wizard has ever grown back bones, they know how painful it is). Your eyes water so furiously that they feel unprotected and sour, until they develop a sense of the nighttime. Then, finally your skin is coated with fur, which is an odd feeling; it's like pinching the hairs of your skin and softly but quickly pulling at them. First time it happened, it almost made me laugh.

Unfortunately my memory becomes shabby now, which doesn't always happen, but is unpredictable at times, since I'm not in the right state of mind. But I have a sickening feeling that I can remember Lily's face. I can hear her scream- and I can see the footprints of prongs. Then, the next thing I knew, I was sitting where I am right now, in the hospital room. I had summoned my diary with my wand which, quite strangely, was sitting next to be bedside.

Wait... I'm not alone, I can hear the murmur of another, and a bit of a cry. Peering outside the sheets that surround the bed, I can see Katelyn, beautiful Katelyn, crying over the body of Lily Evans.

"What happened?" I ask with a frog in my throat. There had been a time where James had bewitched me to cough up frogs, but believe me when I say this, this feeling is much worse.

Katelyn looked up. Tears stained her face, which was covered with makeup. "I don't quite know. She went for a walk, next thing I knew James told me she had been hurt. She has cuts on her body, which are nothing bad, but a nasty lump on her head. Seems like she was knocked out."

I nod. Luckily I curtained the fear dancing in my eyes. I took a second to look down at my hands while writing this. It was my hands, well, my paws, which left the cuts over her body. When Lily wakes up she will hate me, she must know, she must know of my secret. Why else would she be walking outside so late? Katelyn asked me why I was in the hospital wing, I just said I wasn't feeling well and was feeling quite faint. She barely believed me, luckily the tears of my flesh were covered by clothing.

"Are you ok?" I asked. She said yes, of course, although she was shaken up by Lily, but I didn't mean Lily. And she knew it.

"What are you writing about?" She asked, changing the subject. Her light brown hair looked almost blonde today; it was a very pretty shade, changed when the light hit it. Sometimes I thought I could see a few strands of red.

"My soul." I laughed, and so did she, until a few more tears descended down her cheeks.

With a great deal of energy I walked over towards her, I felt extremely faint, and my joints ached all over. I had put my diary down, of course, it was not smart to write and walk.

"You know I am always here for you, Kate, if you ever need someone to talk to." I'm no good speaker, like I've said, but I know what to say when someone's feeling down.

She just nodded politely, biting back the rest of the tears. She was a very strong girl, reminded me of myself, she definitely was a mystery. I kissed her on the forehead and returned shakily to my bed, picking up my diary once more, pondering what the day would bring me. I can't write anymore, I can feel too many butterflies of worry stabbing my insides. Until next time.

**Remus' quote of the entry: "A werewolves skin is merely a costume, unless you wear it, you never know how hard it is to breathe."**

_Signing off, Remus Lupin._


End file.
